In retrospect, I was involved in a very complex form of bonding that needed my full attention, energy, and time. Every child is like a magnet to growth, wisdom, love, and experience...and I was the metal they were pulling on, and clinging to. I love my job, through and through, I really do.
But, last winter, I went through a change. I started swimming up toward the surface for a breath of air. I was gliding through that deep ocean, trying to reach the light, and the fresh life giving oxygen, that made me thrive. I was buried beneath the endlessness of what had to be done in my little world. We all reach this point after a long stint of sacrifice. There is no job that likens to parent hood. It is the most rewarding and challenging job there is!
I had been mothering little ones for almost 10 years, and for me, it was the magic number. I screamed out, "I NEED A BREAK! You will not even like me in 5 years if I don't get a break!!!"
If you are going to procreate and you want your kids to be as cool as you are, you have to give them some of your "cool." Actually, you have to give them so much of your "cool," that it almost disappears. You may, at this point, come off as not so cool.....as you wipe spit up off of your shoulder, change stinky diapers, and make dinner for yelling kids, while in your sweats and ponytail. You have to suffer, not looking cool, because you are lending it to your kids, while they establish who they are in this big ole' world. I have syphoned "cool" off of me for the last decade, and I almost tapped the tank dry. But, I caught it just in time. With the help and support of my understanding husband, I surfaced and was completely refreshed! There was enough starter to get me a whole 'nother lovely batch of "cool" going.
I have spent the last year, in essence, reclaiming my independence. "Quit asking, and start doing it!" I am not just a mother, or just a wife, or just a writer, or just an artist, or just a woman looking for a girls night out. I am Shoshannah. Before anything was attached to me or growing off of me...I was just me. So after a time, of giving it all away, it is quite possible to begin to lose sight of that spark. The spark that builds the fire of "me." It is so easy, as an adult, to start seeing yourself as old and chubby. It takes work to keep a vision of who I really am, in my head, at all times.
Of course, I appreciate the way that time smooths out the rough and immature edges of life. I do love the seasoning that developes through motherhood and wifedom. It is a beautiful thing, and when coupled with the resonance of youthful humor, makes me more of myself, than I ever was.
So, in 8 days, I am boarding a plane. This plane will take me to my old hometown in Alaska, on the Kenai Peninsula. I will see my sister and my brother, for the first time, without my little family around me, in 10 years. We will listen to each other's stories and laugh and swear and not worry about giving the 7 year old a bad world image. We will drink beer and eat crab. We will fish off the deck and take skiff rides in the setting sun. We will go tide pooling and pick up sea shells to take home for the girls. We will drink wine and make good food, in my sister's restaurant. I will be a part of their lives for a whole week.
But, it's our turn. It's time for me to figure out what to do with my arms while standing still. That is always the weirdest part for me. I sway and tap my shoulder where my imaginary baby lies. I reach for little warm heads to pat and ruffle. I always feel like I forgot a body part, when I leave my girls. I have to remember what it's like to just be me.
No interruptions in thought while I wait for my plane. No, "I have to poop...now, Mom!" Only my book, the sport of people watching, and possibly a trip to the airport bar. (Oh, yes. It will happen! I know it's spendy, but if I was buying lunch for 5...well, I can surely afford a drink for 1!)
In all things there lies a balance between the extreme polar ends. Life is constant change, and yet it stays the same. There is a system to the chaos. The sun comes up new each morning. No day is like the last. We feel differently today. We look different and hear things in a new way. And yet, no matter what, forever, we are given a new day to do it all over again. Life is an endless gift.
I will follow my Spirit. I won't give in to negativity. I will know forever, that things always just get better. And when I am 75, I will smile as I watch my great grandchildren play. I will laugh, as I watch their mothers stress out over nap times and potty training. I will remember, with joy, my years of precious mothering and raising beautiful women. And, yet, I will still be me. The same little girl that liked to scare her sister with spiders. The same one that put on plays in the living room, just to make everyone laugh. I will not lose myself on this road I travel.
When I feel it slipping, I will stop and see just what changes need to be made, and then I'll make them. I will grab onto the edges, and scratch and claw my way back to the surface. Sometimes, it comes with a fight and frustration. Sometimes it's given in love and patience. But, no one said it would be easy. Just great. This life is the best gift I've ever been given. And to give that life back, is my gift. I do not resent any change that I have been through, because all of these beautiful people that I share my time and love with, are who allow to become more of myself, day to day. What a ride!!
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